I’m waiting.

My mother is in the operating room. I’m sitting in companionable silence with my sisters. There’s always a maybe with surgery, but today I have complete trust that the Lord will bring her out. 

Breast cancer isn’t fun. But I’m glad that I’m able to even be here to support her.

A year ago, I would never have been able to get up early and spend all day at a hospital. So I’m grateful to be better.

This isn’t how I looked at the diagnosis when it first came. I had to process it, deal with it. And it’s still very hard. But now, I’m fully trusting. As we wait upon the Lord, I know that whatever the outcome, He will be here with us.

While we waited for the nurses to finish preparing her for the operation, we sang. First “It Is Well With My Soul,” my sisters and I warbling along together, I giving a bit of harmony where I could. The sound swelled out over the tiny room, out into the halls. Then we sang her song. 

When my brother had cancer, his song was 10,000 Reasons. We played it and sang it daily. Every time he had to get “poked,” and every procedure. It became ours in a way no song had ever been ours.

These are the words to my mom’s song:

Do you feel the world is broken?
We do

Do you feel the shadows deepen?
We do

But do you know that all the dark won’t stop the light from getting through?
We do

Do you wish that you could see it all made new?
We do

Is all creation groaning?
It is

Is a new creation coming?
It is

Is the glory of the Lord to be the light within our midst?
It is

Is it good that we remind ourselves of this?
It is

Is anyone worthy?
Is anyone whole?
Is anyone able to break the seal and open the scroll?
The Lion of Judah who conquered the grave
He is David’s root and the Lamb who died to ransom the slave
Is He worthy? Is He worthy?
Of all blessing and honor and glory
Is He worthy of this?
He is

Is He Worthy – Andrew Peterson

I sang the questions and my sisters sang the answers. It rang out, and the nurses told us it was beautiful. But what I really cared about were the tears on my mom’s face. Tears, not of sadness, not of fear, but of nearness to the Lord. That is what she needed just before leaving.

Now I’m waiting.

I’ve done a lot of waiting in my life. I’m an expert at it. In fact, these last few months, I’ve spent a good deal of time learning how to act, instead of waiting.

But now all my years spent waiting come back to me.And I know that it is a good thing to wait upon the Lord. He will not disappoint. 

I’m listening to music a former missionary shared with us a few months ago. After leaving the country where she had served for years, she was lonely, trying to readjust to America. And this song ministered to her just as it is ministering to me.

It’s hard to sing when you’re crying
Hard to leave when you’re tied down
It’s hard to sleep when you’re fighting
For your life like you are right now
There’s only so much more you can stomach
Though it’s more than you thought
And you only keep moving
By the grace of God

You’re doing one day
One breath
One prayer
One thing at a time
One word
One step
One hope
In a coming light

Don’t try to swallow the ocean
Keep doing one day
Til one day you’re free

You could escape in a daydream
But you’d wind up right back here
Up to your waist in the maybes
No use hiding on the back stairs
Hear the peculiar voice in the forest
Calling open the doors
It’ll take a few battles
To win this war
You’re doing one day

Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
Where the walls have tumbled and the flowers grow wild
Oh, I see you laughing on the other side
With your broken heart under open sky

One Day – Christa Wells

I’ve heard the peculiar voice in the forest. And I’ve been on both sides of the darkness. 

Today, though, I’m just resting. I’m just waiting on the Lord. He is the One who is Worthy. He will carry us, me and my family through our battles, and you through yours.

Hold on. You don’t need to figure it all out. Take one day, one moment, one breath at a time.